Illusion ( part 3) - Desires

 

We all have desires, desire for that exotic holiday, desire for that house by the beach, desire for that coveted job, desire to be famous, desire to be loved, desire to be respected, desire to be rich. The list of desires is endless.

So what is a desire and how are they created ?

The dictionary describes desire as a strong wish or a strong feeling for something to happen.

The above is how we understand a desire to be once our mind perceives the wishing, the wanting or the craving. Every being is created with a set of desires that helps the being survive (desires of hunger, thirst, etc which we will call as the survival desires) and a set of desires for evolution of the being (desires that propagate the evolution and procreation of the being). Across the plant and animal kingdom, the human species has the most complex and refined set of survival and evolution desires, which are continually being adapted to meet the environmental context.

In addition to the survival and evolution desires, desires can also be created whenever an action (action can be a physical or a mental action) is performed. This is the nature of existence in the physical world as we see it. Every action creates a potential for a desire(s) to fulfil the reaction(s) of the action. As a result every human being is born with a set of desires collected from past actions that may appear in the present lifetime or a future lifetime based on how conducive the present environment is for their fulfilment. The desires that are conducive to being fulfilled in the present life of a being are sometimes known as the destiny of a being or the purpose of one's present life.

If every action I take has a potential for the creation of a desire, can others actions also create desires for me ? What are the different types of desires ?

 The short answer is yes. Desires can be broken up into three main categories -

 

1. My inherent desires. We have already seen two types of these in the form of desires for survival (hunger, thirst, rest, etc) and desires for evolution (reproduction, continuous improvement, optimisation). The third sub category of my inherent desires are desires borne out of my past actions or thoughts. These could be as a result of choices or decisions that one has made about various aspects of life, for example living in a certain suburb, building a house, getting into relationships, having children. All of these actions provide options and choices and consequently a desire to choose one of them or not to choose.

 

2. My adopted desires. These are desires a person has adopted from others as a result of their influence or as a result of the influence of their environment. Once adopted, these are treated as ones own desires. A person who has lived their childhood in poverty may have a strong desire for wealth when they grow up. Even though the desire for wealth never existed when they were born, but the scarcity in the childhood created a desire to overcome the scarcity. Similarly when one of your friends who you admire buys that beautiful branded handbag or a watch, a desire to have a similar handbag or a watch is created in you. Like this we are continuously adopting desires from others without even knowing it.

 

3. Desires that others have of me or imposed on me. These are desires that others or society has that relate to how they expect you to behave, act or even think. These can also be called as expectations that others have of us. Examples include expectations that parents have of their children. At times parents have been unable to achieve certain desires of their own related to their career or sports and they impose these desires on their children, wishing their children will fulfil these for them. There are desires that a spouse may have of their partner about gifts, money, behaviour, etc.

It must be noted that most people live their lives completely oblivious of their desires.

How does it matter if one is oblivious of their desires, don't desires give you something to live for and those that are fulfilled make you happy ?

If a person is unaware of the nature of their desires and their origin, then one can easily lead their life chasing other people's desires, which may lead to lack of contentment or frustration due to unfulfilled desires. The other consequence of following or adopting others desires is that you become a doormat, with no independent thinking of your own, completely controlled by others. The end result is you feel unhappy and unfulfilled as your desires are never addressed and are supressed or de-prioritised. At some point suppressed desires will surface creating an emotional storm, potentially damaging yourself and your relationships.

So how can I become aware of my desires versus someone else's desires that I have adopted ?   

In order to discern between the different types of desires, it is first important to first have the ability to witness and observe a desire and then determine their source or whether the desire is yours or adopted by you.

Let us say Jack has a fear of small closed confined places and this creates an intense desire to avoid closed confined spaces (claustrophobia). To find out more about this desire the following steps can be followed -

 

1. Intention. Have a strong intent of what you want to achieve, such as which desire you want to focus on, what you want to know about the desire such as the source, how it manifests in your life, the impact on your life and so on. You may want to be aware of the desire every time it manifests. Jack first creates a strong and clear intention of finding out how claustrophobia has come into his life and be aware of it whenever he feels this fear of avoiding closed spaces.

 

2. Attention. Once the intent is clear take your attention to the specific desire that you are interested in. Exclude all other thoughts about other desires. Jack focuses his attention on his desire to avoid closed spaces, but also discovers there are many times when he is in closed spaces and he is distracted and this fear does not exist.

 

3. Observation. Once you have the ability to pin point a desire through your intention and attention, you can observe it in action. The more sharper the ability to observe desires in action, the more easier it becomes to distinguish between desires. Jack observes his desire in action in multiple scenarios and situations.

 

4. Awareness. There comes a point wherein the act of observing, creates an awareness of all that is observed and in this context all the desires. Jack is now immediately aware of his desire to be free from claustrophobia and when it is triggered. His awareness makes him aware of the triggers and the fear even before it has manifested.

 

5. Contemplation. With refined awareness comes the ability to perceive desires in their true form and reflecting on the desires provides insights as to their origin. Contemplating on the scenarios in which the fear is triggered, how it is triggered provides Jack insight into an adverse childhood experience he had when he was locked in a cupboard and he panicked. All of a sudden the source of that fear is known and reflecting on it allows him to reconcile and accept the fear and the desire to avoid it in future.

Once the above steps are practiced a few times, they become muscle memory and just like Jack one becomes aware of the desire and its source and finds a means to fulfil them or accept them. For people who have realised their true self and are continually in awareness, the above steps are automatically happening in autopilot and the source of their desires is revealed to them.

Whilst Jack discovered the root cause or the source of his fear through contemplation, however there is another crude technique that can be used for finding the root cause of ones desires. This is called the five whys technique. Lets take an example.

Jill has this innate desire to say yes to everyone, her partner Jack, her boss at work and her friends. This creates enormous challenges and conflicts for Jill as she is not able to deliver on what she has agreed with everyone around her making her feel inadequate.

Jill uses this five whys technique, wherein she asks herself why questions till she arrives at a possible root cause.

 

1. Why do I say yes to every request people have of me ?

Perhaps I want to be on the good side of everyone.

 

2. Why do I want to be on the good side of everyone ?

I feel I am letting people down and I am concerned what they will think of me.

 

3. Why am I concerned what they will think of me ?

Perhaps I feel I am not good enough for everyone around me if I don't please them.

 

4. Why don't I feel good enough to be my natural self ?

There was a time when I spoke what I felt and hurt my sister by being honest. So I should try to say yes and please people.

 

As can be seen the five whys technique allows one to objectively find out the root cause for simple desires. Used in conjunction with the five steps of intention, attention, observation, awareness and contemplation, this technique can be quite insightful in understanding ones desires.

Ok I know now how to watch my desires and find their source, but how do I control them or how do I get rid of them ?

Controlling desires or suppressing them is not a good idea. In this regard a popular saying is quite apt "that which you resist will persist". Once a desire, its many forms, how it is triggered is known, accepting it for what it is, is required. Desires that are not accepted or subdued or suppressed, will come back stronger than they ever have been. Similarly trying to get rid of desires results in the desires getting stronger. So the natural question is what can be done or rather what should be done with them ?.

Till now we have gone through various techniques to understand a desire, when it manifests and whether it is ours or adopted or imposed on us. The best outcome with respect to a desire is to manage it.

 How do I manage a desire or desires ?

The first step in managing desires is acknowledging and accepting them for what they are. They are natural, necessary and neither good or bad.

Desires of survival need to exist in a healthy balance. Too much craving for food, drink, sleep, exercise, rest etc, creates an imbalance. Often times shining the light of awareness on desires or being aware of them and their causes is the first step in managing them. For people with strong minds, just having an intention for balance is enough to manifest a sense of balance in all survival related desires.

A similar process applies for desires related to evolution (reproduction, procreation optimisation, etc). That which is necessary needs to be performed, impurities that created excessive craving for any of the desires of survival or evolution need to be observed, contemplated upon and removed. The associated desires will automatically disappear as well as the person will get rid of the impurities.

Another big category of desires are the desires that one has adopted. These desires start disappearing once it is known that these were never really mine but were adopted. Understanding the root cause of these desires will often get rid of them or manage them out. If that does not happen, shining the light of awareness and contemplation on them will certainly manage them out.

Desires imposed on a person by friends, family or society are more complex and can have a detrimental impact on a person's relationships if not managed appropriately. Once a root cause of an imposed desire or driver of a desire is understood through the above techniques, in another person, it is much easier to address it through communication, negotiation and agreement. This may not be possible under all circumstances, especially where the one imposing their desires is in a position of power and will not agree to relinquishing their desire or their expectation. In such cases it is best to be aware of the desires and discard them when not required. Of course in most cases if imposed desires have become adopted by a person sometime in the distant past then being aware of them, acknowledging and accepting the desires can often times make them disappear.

The above desires are relatively easy to manage once their source is known, the scenario in which they are triggered is understood and the relevance or irrelevance of them is established. However desires that have originated from ones own actions are more persistent and need to be fulfilled. These desires can be postponed, but eventually they will keep on appearing time and again until they are fulfilled or rationalised away without suppression.

What happens to desires that are suppressed and how do I recognise them ?

Desires that are suppressed are like a "jack in the box" which will always reappear. The stronger the suppression the more strongly they reappear. Suppressed desires are noticeable by the stubborn consistency they keep on reappearing until they are fulfilled. A person who has consistent craving for food, for attention, for luxury items has had these desires of their suppressed in the past, which results in persistence of these desires even after they have been fulfilled. Persistent desires are particularly hard to get rid of as even fulfilling them will not get rid of the desire. The desire has become embedded as a habit or in some cases an addiction in the person, hence a more dramatic action may be required. This is true of desires related to consumption of intoxicating substances and drugs. 

What can I do to free myself from desires that have resulted in addictions ?

Removing addictions is a complex topic, however at a high level some strategies that can be used are - 

• consult a medical practitioner to have the addiction appropriately assessed and diagnosed.
• consult a specialist that specialises in dealing with the specific addiction (i.e. nutritionist for food related addictions).
• consult a psychologist who may assist in reversing or replacing the addictive habits with more health habits.

How can I avoid collecting desires based on my actions, is it even possible ?

It is absolutely possible to avoid generating new desires based on ones actions. Once it is understood that a mind body structure which contains even the smallest semblance of a discrete egoic identity, will have desires that will manifest and flourish, it is easy to deal with desires. For instance for desires to be accumulated an anchor such as the egoic identity is required. To reduce the impact of desires that have been accumulated over time or avoid generating new desires, letting go of the egoic identity is the easiest option. However as long as a human exists, there will always be some level of egoic identity for survival and evolutionary purposes. So the best option is to remain in awareness of the self or in a state of presence.

Being in a state of awareness detaches the self / experiencer from that which is experienced and as such frees the self from the bondage of doer ship or the consequences of ones actions / desires.

Similarly being in a state of presence also absolves one of the results of their actions, as these actions and thus manifested desires are carried out in a state of surrender, with no ownership attached to the egoic identity.       

Kabir Das a 15th century Indian mystic and saint summed up the benefit of managing desires in one of his poems.

Chaha gayi chinta miti manua beparwah

Jinko kachu na chahiye, woh shahon ke shah

When the desire goes, anxiety disappears and the mind becomes blasé / heedless

The one who wants nothing or desires nothing, he becomes the king of all kings

Once the self is realised, there is nothing to know, nothing to desire and true freedom from bondage caused by desires is achieved.

In summary desires are natural for survival and evolution and if unmanaged can result in suffering, however with proper understanding desires can have their impacts managed.

As rightly pointed by Rumi below once you know your self all other desires will end.